It IS you, Peter!

Well, thank goodness I've pulled it together since my previous posts! I'm not sure why I was on such a course to unravel, but I think I had to unravel a bit in order to figure out where I wanted to be - if that makes any sense. I learned some eye-opening information during my melt down period about all three of my trio of kryptonite. Fortunately, even though at the time most of it was hard to digest, what I learned brought me some closure with each of them. Even though some of it still hurts I am confident that I am better off without them. Lucky even. And now everything in my life is changing and I am changing. It is exciting, and scary, and a little overwhelming, but I think they will ultimately be good changes. I was also recently, on my 29th birthday, given two pieces of simple advice in passing that have caused me to open my eyes and see things in a different way. It is nothing I haven't heard before from various people, said in various ways, but for some reason in this instance, said by this person, it finally stuck. The first was to go with your gut, because it's never wrong. Even if you can explain something away in your mind, if your gut isn't buying it you shouldn't either. (And yes, as a science-y person I realize "gut" isn't a very technical or valid term - but bear with me here - what I really mean is "trust your instincts"). Second, this person made the observation that we tend to attract people in similar situations as ourselves, so if you're falling apart chances are the person you meet will be falling apart in some way themselves, and if you're squared away and happy, chances are you'll meet someone who is also squared away and happy. It is a simple concept, but it got me thinking. My parents have been telling me for YEARS that my problem with dating is that I always go for "Peter Pan's" - boys who don't want to grow up. I realized when my friend said this that I am/have been a Peter Pan, so no wonder that's who I have ended up dating over and over. I always associated my parent's use of Peter Pan with someone who wasn't achievement oriented, or didn't have their shit together (and often that was the case) but I felt like since I was on track with establishing a career and obtaining degrees that I was exempt from Peter Pan-ism. I had my "ah-ha" moment after my friend said this that even though I have been successful in school and in starting my career and becoming independent, I am still a Peter Pan. But, I'm working on it. I am at a point in my life where I am craving responsibility, and I actually want to grow up (a little - not completely yet!). So perhaps with all these changes, and my recent realizations, good things are on the horizon. At the very least I am finally in a place where I am content overall with where I am at, and I feel like I have the power to change the things I am less than thrilled with. And you can't really ask for anything more than that!

:(

Let me give you my heart, on a silver platter. Do with it what you will. You have already proven yourself to be unworthy/unappreciative of this gift, but maybe this time you will understand its worth (doubtful). I am a mess.

Kryptonite

I've had this misconception for years now that the second I finished school my life would be perfect. It was all I could focus on, it was everything I was working towards. Commencement. Funny that the first definition of commencement is "beginning" and the second is a ceremony conferring degrees. I guess that's exactly what I was expecting from my commencement: a new beginning, an opportunity to revel in all the things I felt I had missed out on the past few years. No pressure, right? Turns out, degree has been conferred, life is not perfect. I won't say life is worse, per se, but I am left now with no sense of purpose and nothing to blame for my lack of joy. I should be happy right now. Except that I'm not. And for every positive step forward I fought tooth and nail for in 2011 so I could escape the misery of 2010, I've backslid times two in 2012. I am self-destructing right now, and it is as if I'm a curious bystander watching it all explode around me. I have a worrying emotional detachment regarding the havoc I am wreaking in my own life. The two worst things of 2010 happen to actually be the two worst people for me. I added a new person to the list in 2011 so now they are an incredible trio of personal kryptonite. I know who the worst one of all is, and I stayed away from him the longest. I've been feeling that itch now for a month or so to re-open the doors of communication. Trust me, I know better. But in the past few weeks, after making wrong turn after wrong turn, tonight I said "hi", and a total self-destruction sequence was officially initiated. At first it was great because I was thinking what an ass he is (still) and how glad I was that everything was OVER over over between us. I was feeling strong, and confident in my choices, and feeling like I wasn't actually self-destructing but facing my dragons and slaying them so they could no longer hold power over me. Amazing the things you can convince yourself of, isn't it? Then, just when I thought, "phew, I'm safe!" and I was congratulating myself on being immune to his charms, he said 5 little words that made me realize I was playing with fire, and that as impossible as it seems...there could still be one tiny feeling left for him in my heart/mind. He said "I miss talking to you" and I knew I had really, truly made a grave mistake. The problem is, I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to "start over" (not actually possible anyway). I don't know how to "move on" because that certainly should have happened by now, and as evidenced by recent actions of mine it has not happened. They say you never truly get over your first love. It's just too bad that mine was a complete bastard that set me on a path I now don't know how to remove myself from of liking overly-charming-but-lacking-in-quality people, who all destroy me in new ways and take me a little bit farther away from the things I say I want but can't seem to find. Now, I don't mean to imply I am a blameless innocent here. It is very obvious that I am making choices - bad ones - all on my own and that my actions have consequences (bad ones!) yet I keep making these choices and ignoring the consequences and feeling sad about the way things work out. The PROBLEM is, I am broken and I don't know how to fix me. I want to be happy. I want to move on. I want to stop self-destructing, but I am lonely, and I am afraid, and so I am sticking with actions that yield predictable - albeit it negative - outcomes rather than opening myself up, putting myself out there, and (!) yikes, maybe having to feel new pain/loss/sadness at the hands of new, unpredictable people. Hopefully now that I've worked all that out, I can start making small steps towards picking up the pieces I've exploded my life into, and putting them back together in a bit of a healthier/more functional way. I know, not very likely huh? A girl can dream though. Sigh.

What a difference a year makes...

So, it has been almost a year since my reallyprettyface has shared anything here. The theme of 2011 (as decided on New Year's Eve by another awesome girl named Lauren) was "make better bad choices" and as ridiculous as that sounds, I think I really lived up to my resolution. Did I make awesome choices in 2011? Not always. Did I make better BAD choices in 2011 than 2010? Absofuckinglutely! And sometimes in life, all you can really hope for is better bad choices. So as 2011 winds down and we prepare for all the glory that will be (hopefully?) in 2012, let's reflect. 2011 has been quite a year. First and foremost, I became a registered nurse! That was a pretty big milestone for me. I also started my Master's, worked at the health center on campus for awhile (and learned that EVERYONE has an STD, or so it seems), got my first real nursing job - that was AMAZING - bought a new car that I am still in love with, joined a water-ski lake and got to reconnect with a hobby that I LOVE and makes me happy, met some new amazing people (nurses and newscasters!), moved into an apartment with my bestie (good-bye mom and dad! I love you, but I shouldn't live with you), and I now have a little chubby man who completely stole my heart...my nephew. Overall, pretty incredible stuff going on in 2011. And, while I tend to find myself stuck in a black cloud lately because I am working full time in a pretty stressful job, and doing a full time Master's that I don't exactly enjoy, and doing a ridiculous amount of hours for school outside of class and work...if I step back I can appreciate all the good things that have happened. And the BEST thing is that in May I will be done with my Master's, and for the first time in 3 years I'll be able to enjoy having free time, and a life outside of school and work...woo-hoo!
I also had a dating epiphany this week. One of my friends has been trying to convince me for a few months now that my problem is I get too attached to people I have sex with. Obviously, the person with this opinion is a male. I listened and wasn't exactly swayed by his opinion, but it did give me something to think about. And while dating in 2011 hasn't been as big of an effing mess as it was in 2009/2010, it was by no means a pretty sight. So after mulling that tid-bit of advice over in my head for awhile, I realized getting attached to people I sleep with isn't the problem, sleeping with people I shouldn't get attached to is THE PROBLEM. Why is it that I do that? I tend to allow myself to be in situations where the person I am dating isn't really someone I should date because they aren't looking for a relationship, or they're too selfish to be in a relationship, or they don't want a relationship with me - only sex. And you know what, that's not what I am looking for, so why do I do that? Self-sabotage perhaps? I haven't totally figured that part out yet. So, new goal for 2012: relationship before sex. No more sleeping with people I can't/shouldn't get attached to. It is time to stop sabotaging my dating life and give myself the opportunity to find someone who might actually CARE about me. Interesting concept huh? Wish me luck ;)

I'm SO good at relationships

Why must I always make things into a train wreck before I can walk away? I need to get better at ending things with my dignity intact! Once I get an idea in my head though, I can't stop thinking about it. Usually the idea is a text message I know I shouldn't send, but then I can't stop myself. I want to know what the reply to the message will be. What is annoying is usually by this point in time I already know what the reply will be, but I am trying to force the other person to actually say it. Another person's silence really does often tell you everything you need to know, and answers every question you want to ask. Why then do I feel the need to ask the questions anyway? It just never turns out well, usually things progress to train wreck status, and only then am I able to accept things are over and move on. Not great. I am in the middle of creating a train wreck right now. The only positive I see in the situation is that hopefully it means I will be able to move on soon. Fingers crossed.

I wish you would...

Here it is, the end of the year; a wonderful (perhaps miserable?) time to reflect on the past year and decide what to attempt to leave behind, and what to take with me into the new year. There is something so appealing about the idea of leaving everything behind and having a new start, like a snake growing a new skin to live in and just shedding the previous one like it ain't no thang. So, what would I like to leave in 2010, and what lessons do I want to bring with me into 2011? Tough question. Maybe I should start by saying what I have learned this past year. Quite a lot actually. I learned there are some people who no matter what is going on in your life find a way to make whatever is going on in their life - however trivial it may be - seem like it is the ultimate crisis...every time you talk to them. I learned there are some people who are only your friend when they stand to gain something from the friendship. I learned to be grateful that I didn't end up with my first love. I learned some things I didn't like about myself, I did some things I didn't ever think I would do. I learned to appreciate some of my friends more, and realized the reason I had grown apart from some friends. I spent all semester caring for people in crisis, to the point that I became desensitized to their crises, then I was forced to be a patient myself and got my compassion back. I learned some wounds are fresher than I expected them to be, still open and prone to hurt. I wonder how long it will take them to heal? I gained confidence in my abilities as a student and a nurse. And you know that saying, "nice guys finish last"? I think sometimes it also applies to people who work hard, or people who try to be moral, or people who put being a good friend above personal gain. That was a sad lesson.

So, the real question after all this learning, who would I like to be in 2011? I would like to be more confident. I would like to value myself more. I would like to be more independent. I would like to maintain my compassion. I would like to let things roll off my back more, not be so hurt by the things people do and say. I would like to feel that I am enjoying my life instead of getting through it. I would love to be financially independent. I would like to let old hurts go, and make room in my heart/life for goodness. I want to not settle for something just because it's all there is. I would like to be more focused and determined about my fitness (that's a totally original wish for the new year, huh?). I want to keep trying to be the best person I can, even if sometimes it feels like those who are less concerned with doing right reap greater benefits. Most of all I hope to make time for self-reflection in the year to come so that I can keep attempting to grow, learn, and always be working towards becoming a better version of myself. I have learned there is no such thing as a new start, because we carry all our experiences with us, so instead of shedding my skin I hope I can grow into it and find beauty instead of scales.

My heart is full

There are some days when everything seems to come together in a way that puts a smile on my face. It's nothing big, just a bunch of happy little things: the right amount of coffee, a good nights sleep, a message from a friend, the sun shining, a good song playing, and it all swirls together into a magical concoction of contentment. Today is one of those days. I have a great weekend to look forward to filled with old friends and adventure, I don't have class tomorrow morning so I get to sleep in if I choose to (ok, like there's any way I would choose not to), I got an email from a friend with a song attached that made my day, and I am getting stuff done around the house which is giving me a sense of accomplishment.
I have also been going through old pictures this week which has reminded me of all the fun times I've had, and as I was thinking about it I realized that the bad times seem to fade and all that's left are smiling faces captured in happy moments. This is important to remember because there will always be sad, hard times mixed in with the good, happy times, but it is mostly the happy times we remember (and should remember). And although this sounds weird it has also given me the opportunity to look back at the last few years of my life and forgive myself for all of the missteps I have made. I was so angry with myself for the first few years out of college because in college I f#@$%& around and had fun and got mediocre grades and then realized I had robbed myself of many opportunities (such as getting accepted to dental school). I felt so stuck and trapped by the choices I had made that led me to where I was, and because of that I withdrew from the people who had been in my life at that time, convinced that I needed to start over and change in order to succeed. Now that I am set on a career path that I actually enjoy, and I am "living up to my potential" in my mind, and I have changed some of the things that were contributing to my state of misery, I have finally realized how much I pushed everyone away and I am trying to change it. I have this urge to reconnect with everyone and I have been making efforts to reach out to people I haven't talked to in awhile. Luckily most of my friends are pretty receptive to my semi-sudden reappearance. This is probably a huge contributor to my sense of contentment on this bright and beautiful Wednesday. It has been a long time since I felt excitement rather than anxiety about my future. Since I graduated college in 2006 I have been a ball of worry. Where should I live? What should I do? Ok, now I know what I want to do but how do I get there from here? When will I meet people here who are like me that I can be friends with? Will I be stuck living with my parents forever? What if I can't make it on my own? When will I fall in love? Will I ever get married and have children? All of these questions weighed me down and filled my heart with uncertainty. Recently I have been able to answer or negate the importance of many of those questions and I feel lighter not carrying them around with me. I am actually looking forward with excitement! And I find that lately the more I spend time with those near and dear to me, the more I stumble on little moments where my chest actually feels tight because my heart is so full of love and happiness and appreciation for the life that I have and the people I have in it.