It IS you, Peter!

Well, thank goodness I've pulled it together since my previous posts! I'm not sure why I was on such a course to unravel, but I think I had to unravel a bit in order to figure out where I wanted to be - if that makes any sense. I learned some eye-opening information during my melt down period about all three of my trio of kryptonite. Fortunately, even though at the time most of it was hard to digest, what I learned brought me some closure with each of them. Even though some of it still hurts I am confident that I am better off without them. Lucky even. And now everything in my life is changing and I am changing. It is exciting, and scary, and a little overwhelming, but I think they will ultimately be good changes. I was also recently, on my 29th birthday, given two pieces of simple advice in passing that have caused me to open my eyes and see things in a different way. It is nothing I haven't heard before from various people, said in various ways, but for some reason in this instance, said by this person, it finally stuck. The first was to go with your gut, because it's never wrong. Even if you can explain something away in your mind, if your gut isn't buying it you shouldn't either. (And yes, as a science-y person I realize "gut" isn't a very technical or valid term - but bear with me here - what I really mean is "trust your instincts"). Second, this person made the observation that we tend to attract people in similar situations as ourselves, so if you're falling apart chances are the person you meet will be falling apart in some way themselves, and if you're squared away and happy, chances are you'll meet someone who is also squared away and happy. It is a simple concept, but it got me thinking. My parents have been telling me for YEARS that my problem with dating is that I always go for "Peter Pan's" - boys who don't want to grow up. I realized when my friend said this that I am/have been a Peter Pan, so no wonder that's who I have ended up dating over and over. I always associated my parent's use of Peter Pan with someone who wasn't achievement oriented, or didn't have their shit together (and often that was the case) but I felt like since I was on track with establishing a career and obtaining degrees that I was exempt from Peter Pan-ism. I had my "ah-ha" moment after my friend said this that even though I have been successful in school and in starting my career and becoming independent, I am still a Peter Pan. But, I'm working on it. I am at a point in my life where I am craving responsibility, and I actually want to grow up (a little - not completely yet!). So perhaps with all these changes, and my recent realizations, good things are on the horizon. At the very least I am finally in a place where I am content overall with where I am at, and I feel like I have the power to change the things I am less than thrilled with. And you can't really ask for anything more than that!

:(

Let me give you my heart, on a silver platter. Do with it what you will. You have already proven yourself to be unworthy/unappreciative of this gift, but maybe this time you will understand its worth (doubtful). I am a mess.

Kryptonite

I've had this misconception for years now that the second I finished school my life would be perfect. It was all I could focus on, it was everything I was working towards. Commencement. Funny that the first definition of commencement is "beginning" and the second is a ceremony conferring degrees. I guess that's exactly what I was expecting from my commencement: a new beginning, an opportunity to revel in all the things I felt I had missed out on the past few years. No pressure, right? Turns out, degree has been conferred, life is not perfect. I won't say life is worse, per se, but I am left now with no sense of purpose and nothing to blame for my lack of joy. I should be happy right now. Except that I'm not. And for every positive step forward I fought tooth and nail for in 2011 so I could escape the misery of 2010, I've backslid times two in 2012. I am self-destructing right now, and it is as if I'm a curious bystander watching it all explode around me. I have a worrying emotional detachment regarding the havoc I am wreaking in my own life. The two worst things of 2010 happen to actually be the two worst people for me. I added a new person to the list in 2011 so now they are an incredible trio of personal kryptonite. I know who the worst one of all is, and I stayed away from him the longest. I've been feeling that itch now for a month or so to re-open the doors of communication. Trust me, I know better. But in the past few weeks, after making wrong turn after wrong turn, tonight I said "hi", and a total self-destruction sequence was officially initiated. At first it was great because I was thinking what an ass he is (still) and how glad I was that everything was OVER over over between us. I was feeling strong, and confident in my choices, and feeling like I wasn't actually self-destructing but facing my dragons and slaying them so they could no longer hold power over me. Amazing the things you can convince yourself of, isn't it? Then, just when I thought, "phew, I'm safe!" and I was congratulating myself on being immune to his charms, he said 5 little words that made me realize I was playing with fire, and that as impossible as it seems...there could still be one tiny feeling left for him in my heart/mind. He said "I miss talking to you" and I knew I had really, truly made a grave mistake. The problem is, I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to "start over" (not actually possible anyway). I don't know how to "move on" because that certainly should have happened by now, and as evidenced by recent actions of mine it has not happened. They say you never truly get over your first love. It's just too bad that mine was a complete bastard that set me on a path I now don't know how to remove myself from of liking overly-charming-but-lacking-in-quality people, who all destroy me in new ways and take me a little bit farther away from the things I say I want but can't seem to find. Now, I don't mean to imply I am a blameless innocent here. It is very obvious that I am making choices - bad ones - all on my own and that my actions have consequences (bad ones!) yet I keep making these choices and ignoring the consequences and feeling sad about the way things work out. The PROBLEM is, I am broken and I don't know how to fix me. I want to be happy. I want to move on. I want to stop self-destructing, but I am lonely, and I am afraid, and so I am sticking with actions that yield predictable - albeit it negative - outcomes rather than opening myself up, putting myself out there, and (!) yikes, maybe having to feel new pain/loss/sadness at the hands of new, unpredictable people. Hopefully now that I've worked all that out, I can start making small steps towards picking up the pieces I've exploded my life into, and putting them back together in a bit of a healthier/more functional way. I know, not very likely huh? A girl can dream though. Sigh.