:(

Let me give you my heart, on a silver platter. Do with it what you will. You have already proven yourself to be unworthy/unappreciative of this gift, but maybe this time you will understand its worth (doubtful). I am a mess.

Kryptonite

I've had this misconception for years now that the second I finished school my life would be perfect. It was all I could focus on, it was everything I was working towards. Commencement. Funny that the first definition of commencement is "beginning" and the second is a ceremony conferring degrees. I guess that's exactly what I was expecting from my commencement: a new beginning, an opportunity to revel in all the things I felt I had missed out on the past few years. No pressure, right? Turns out, degree has been conferred, life is not perfect. I won't say life is worse, per se, but I am left now with no sense of purpose and nothing to blame for my lack of joy. I should be happy right now. Except that I'm not. And for every positive step forward I fought tooth and nail for in 2011 so I could escape the misery of 2010, I've backslid times two in 2012. I am self-destructing right now, and it is as if I'm a curious bystander watching it all explode around me. I have a worrying emotional detachment regarding the havoc I am wreaking in my own life. The two worst things of 2010 happen to actually be the two worst people for me. I added a new person to the list in 2011 so now they are an incredible trio of personal kryptonite. I know who the worst one of all is, and I stayed away from him the longest. I've been feeling that itch now for a month or so to re-open the doors of communication. Trust me, I know better. But in the past few weeks, after making wrong turn after wrong turn, tonight I said "hi", and a total self-destruction sequence was officially initiated. At first it was great because I was thinking what an ass he is (still) and how glad I was that everything was OVER over over between us. I was feeling strong, and confident in my choices, and feeling like I wasn't actually self-destructing but facing my dragons and slaying them so they could no longer hold power over me. Amazing the things you can convince yourself of, isn't it? Then, just when I thought, "phew, I'm safe!" and I was congratulating myself on being immune to his charms, he said 5 little words that made me realize I was playing with fire, and that as impossible as it seems...there could still be one tiny feeling left for him in my heart/mind. He said "I miss talking to you" and I knew I had really, truly made a grave mistake. The problem is, I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to "start over" (not actually possible anyway). I don't know how to "move on" because that certainly should have happened by now, and as evidenced by recent actions of mine it has not happened. They say you never truly get over your first love. It's just too bad that mine was a complete bastard that set me on a path I now don't know how to remove myself from of liking overly-charming-but-lacking-in-quality people, who all destroy me in new ways and take me a little bit farther away from the things I say I want but can't seem to find. Now, I don't mean to imply I am a blameless innocent here. It is very obvious that I am making choices - bad ones - all on my own and that my actions have consequences (bad ones!) yet I keep making these choices and ignoring the consequences and feeling sad about the way things work out. The PROBLEM is, I am broken and I don't know how to fix me. I want to be happy. I want to move on. I want to stop self-destructing, but I am lonely, and I am afraid, and so I am sticking with actions that yield predictable - albeit it negative - outcomes rather than opening myself up, putting myself out there, and (!) yikes, maybe having to feel new pain/loss/sadness at the hands of new, unpredictable people. Hopefully now that I've worked all that out, I can start making small steps towards picking up the pieces I've exploded my life into, and putting them back together in a bit of a healthier/more functional way. I know, not very likely huh? A girl can dream though. Sigh.