I wish you would...

Here it is, the end of the year; a wonderful (perhaps miserable?) time to reflect on the past year and decide what to attempt to leave behind, and what to take with me into the new year. There is something so appealing about the idea of leaving everything behind and having a new start, like a snake growing a new skin to live in and just shedding the previous one like it ain't no thang. So, what would I like to leave in 2010, and what lessons do I want to bring with me into 2011? Tough question. Maybe I should start by saying what I have learned this past year. Quite a lot actually. I learned there are some people who no matter what is going on in your life find a way to make whatever is going on in their life - however trivial it may be - seem like it is the ultimate crisis...every time you talk to them. I learned there are some people who are only your friend when they stand to gain something from the friendship. I learned to be grateful that I didn't end up with my first love. I learned some things I didn't like about myself, I did some things I didn't ever think I would do. I learned to appreciate some of my friends more, and realized the reason I had grown apart from some friends. I spent all semester caring for people in crisis, to the point that I became desensitized to their crises, then I was forced to be a patient myself and got my compassion back. I learned some wounds are fresher than I expected them to be, still open and prone to hurt. I wonder how long it will take them to heal? I gained confidence in my abilities as a student and a nurse. And you know that saying, "nice guys finish last"? I think sometimes it also applies to people who work hard, or people who try to be moral, or people who put being a good friend above personal gain. That was a sad lesson.

So, the real question after all this learning, who would I like to be in 2011? I would like to be more confident. I would like to value myself more. I would like to be more independent. I would like to maintain my compassion. I would like to let things roll off my back more, not be so hurt by the things people do and say. I would like to feel that I am enjoying my life instead of getting through it. I would love to be financially independent. I would like to let old hurts go, and make room in my heart/life for goodness. I want to not settle for something just because it's all there is. I would like to be more focused and determined about my fitness (that's a totally original wish for the new year, huh?). I want to keep trying to be the best person I can, even if sometimes it feels like those who are less concerned with doing right reap greater benefits. Most of all I hope to make time for self-reflection in the year to come so that I can keep attempting to grow, learn, and always be working towards becoming a better version of myself. I have learned there is no such thing as a new start, because we carry all our experiences with us, so instead of shedding my skin I hope I can grow into it and find beauty instead of scales.

My heart is full

There are some days when everything seems to come together in a way that puts a smile on my face. It's nothing big, just a bunch of happy little things: the right amount of coffee, a good nights sleep, a message from a friend, the sun shining, a good song playing, and it all swirls together into a magical concoction of contentment. Today is one of those days. I have a great weekend to look forward to filled with old friends and adventure, I don't have class tomorrow morning so I get to sleep in if I choose to (ok, like there's any way I would choose not to), I got an email from a friend with a song attached that made my day, and I am getting stuff done around the house which is giving me a sense of accomplishment.
I have also been going through old pictures this week which has reminded me of all the fun times I've had, and as I was thinking about it I realized that the bad times seem to fade and all that's left are smiling faces captured in happy moments. This is important to remember because there will always be sad, hard times mixed in with the good, happy times, but it is mostly the happy times we remember (and should remember). And although this sounds weird it has also given me the opportunity to look back at the last few years of my life and forgive myself for all of the missteps I have made. I was so angry with myself for the first few years out of college because in college I f#@$%& around and had fun and got mediocre grades and then realized I had robbed myself of many opportunities (such as getting accepted to dental school). I felt so stuck and trapped by the choices I had made that led me to where I was, and because of that I withdrew from the people who had been in my life at that time, convinced that I needed to start over and change in order to succeed. Now that I am set on a career path that I actually enjoy, and I am "living up to my potential" in my mind, and I have changed some of the things that were contributing to my state of misery, I have finally realized how much I pushed everyone away and I am trying to change it. I have this urge to reconnect with everyone and I have been making efforts to reach out to people I haven't talked to in awhile. Luckily most of my friends are pretty receptive to my semi-sudden reappearance. This is probably a huge contributor to my sense of contentment on this bright and beautiful Wednesday. It has been a long time since I felt excitement rather than anxiety about my future. Since I graduated college in 2006 I have been a ball of worry. Where should I live? What should I do? Ok, now I know what I want to do but how do I get there from here? When will I meet people here who are like me that I can be friends with? Will I be stuck living with my parents forever? What if I can't make it on my own? When will I fall in love? Will I ever get married and have children? All of these questions weighed me down and filled my heart with uncertainty. Recently I have been able to answer or negate the importance of many of those questions and I feel lighter not carrying them around with me. I am actually looking forward with excitement! And I find that lately the more I spend time with those near and dear to me, the more I stumble on little moments where my chest actually feels tight because my heart is so full of love and happiness and appreciation for the life that I have and the people I have in it.

In case you were wondering

Things that I like (not a comprehensive list):
sunshine
the smell of sunscreen
honeymoon summer ale
driving on country roads
lakes and pools
feeling smart
exchanging witticisms
silliness
friends who are self-sufficient
riding my beach cruiser
feeling useful
people with character
feeling in-shape
keeping plants alive
people with a strong sense of self
the music of she & him
honesty
"samoas" ice cream
thoughtful people
french fries
stickers
"the big chill" soundtrack
science moments

Things that I dislike (not a comprehensive list):
cigars
pompous a-holes
people who make me feel stupid
bad drivers
"friends" who can't celebrate your life successes
peaches, bananas, strawberries, cantaloupe
being treated like I am 16
self-absorbed people
men who drive convertibles
motorcycles
tattoos
pismo beach
driving on freeways
skin mustaches
swimming by myself in the ocean
the way my hair smells in the morning after I've spent the evening by a campfire
scary movies
most of my extended family
losing touch with friends
sleeping on couches
feeling unimportant
people who purposely push other people's buttons
rain during spring break

A weekend trip to who I used to be

It has been awhile since I posted anything. This is due in large part to the fact that my life has been smooth sailing of late. No man drama to muck things up. It's nice, peaceful even. I took a little trip last weekend to visit college friends and it was actually rather enlightening. I realized it isn't a relationship per se that I am looking for, what I really want is someone (or many ones) to do things with! I am living in a little island called central California that has no apparent barriers to the outside world, but somehow manages to keep me rather isolated. Since I moved here I have felt separated from my college friends and they all still live relatively close to one another, so basically everyone still hangs out all the time except me. And it has been really difficult to establish a new group of friends since I moved here. The friends I have found have led me to try new things, which is great, but I miss my old group of friends and all the things we had in common. I think I was hoping to find that one magic person who could be my built in buddy and join me in all the things I want to do. It wasn't until I was sitting in a gorgeous park on Sunday morning taking in the sunshine, a good cup of coffee, and a great conversation that I realized I would be perfectly happy being single if I had friends around to DO things with. My loneliness isn't a lack of intimacy, it is a lack of companionship. It may not seem that earth shattering of a realization, but it was to me. Reconnecting with friends is something within my abilities. I can plan trips, make more of an effort to stay in touch, and leave this little central Cal island more often. I want to enjoy this time I have while I am young and unattached and can make decisions based on myself alone. I should be reveling in my single status, not loathing it, and all it would take for that to happen are some weekend adventures with a few crazy friends of mine. Truth be told, I don't think I am ready for something serious with anyone. I want to have more fun before I have to think about how what I do affects someone else all the time. For the past few years here I have felt like Smee, walking around with a clock-ticking crocodile in my wake, reminding me I am running out of time to find someone. I am too young for that, and I haven't done nearly enough of the things I want to. Isn't it funny how one conversation can totally change your perspective? It is certainly nice to rid myself of the tick-tock crocodile so I can just enjoy what is happening in the moment rather than stress out about what the future holds for me. Short vacations and some good conversation really can be therapeutic for the soul! And sometimes you have to leave a place to realize the effect its having on you. It was nice to leave home and go back to my old stomping grounds to rediscover a piece of me that has been hiding out for awhile: college me. I am trying to hold on to it for as long as possible, while still maintaining all the positive changes I have undergone since graduation. There's something to be said for being around people who really know you, and love you anyway. That's definitely something I have missed.

Pretty much

When discussing the glory that is and has been my love life of late, all my friend could say was "God must be really drunk right now. That's all I'm sayin. (Sorry big guy)."

Yup. Couldn't have said it better myself.

You really got a hold on me

Let's review my last year of dating history, just for s@#%& and giggles (that phrase has always seemed so silly to me!). First, I dated a guy who decided to leave civilization and go camping in the woods doing manual labor for six months in order to save the earth. As if that wasn't weird enough, I decided to keep dating him during this time, even though we had only been seeing each other for four months before his six month departure. Yeah, great plan! We could only communicate via handwritten letters with a two week delay. If that doesn't sound that bad to you, consider all the technology we have today that allows for instantaneous communication, and then imagine going back to the dating rituals of 1942. Not so good. Then, I met a fellow who MY oh MY, I fell absolutely head over heels for. First love status. Indescribable. Then, I found out I was only his girl on the side. What does it say about me that I waited 26 years to fall in love, and then I fell in love with someone who only thought of me as someone for fun, for right now, not someone for real? Let's not dwell on the implications of that sad little bit of reality. The next guy I dated I met through work. He was my mentor (I know, that should have been clue number one, right? Boundary issues!). He wore no wedding ring, he asked me out, he hung out with me in front of his friends, he kissed me good-night the first time we hung out, he would text message me ridiculous things at all hours of the day and night...and then I found out he was married. The crazy thing is that when I called him out on it he somehow managed to turn it back around on me like I was being overly dramatic. WOW. Now reinsert boy from the woods, freshly returned from the woods, and acting like a real piece of work. There was a fair amount of dating drama with him, centered around him being a machismo a-hole. Then, he had a psychotic break and now is, I'm fairly certain, schizophrenic. And I don't say this lightly. I have an undergraduate degree in psychology and I have experience in mental health nursing. It truly saddens me that Mr. In-the-woods is in this situation, but boy can I pick them! Then, a random boy from the past pops up out of nowhere and wants to hang out. He is fresh out of an over five year relationship, and who does he decide to call first? That's right, me. After a few months of texting with nothing more than a little flirtation, I blow it off and think nothing more of it. Then after a few more months, we finally hang out. This boy is sweet, and gentlemanly, and very cute. Annnnnd, I find out over a lunch date, is the father of a six year old (he is 25). While this shouldn't be a deal breaker necessarily, when he said it my immediate thought was, "of COURSE you have a kid, there has to be something majorly wrong with you in order for you to be interested in me." So that brings us to today, mere days before Valentine's Day, and I am thinking Cupid either has an evil sense of humor, or I have committed a grievous sin against him and oh what vengeance he seeks! I hate to say it, but this may be the very first Valentine's day that I have truly lost all belief in love. Let me add an asterisk to that statement, I have not lost all belief in LOVE...I have lost all belief in my ability to find true romantic love for MYSELF. Thank goodness I have so many wonderful friends and family to love, or I might feel despondent on this joyously love-filled holiday. To everyone who has loved and supported me, I thank you. It truly means the world to me! As for dating, I think the best course of action right now is DON'T DO IT!!!!

A conversation at the gym

B: Did you ever hear back from that guy?
Me: Ughhhh, yes. I thought I had gotten rid of him but he messaged me again the next day.
B: ::shakes head::
Me: How come the ones I want to stick around don't, and the ones I don't want to stick around do?
B: Well, do you do something differently with the ones you don't like than the ones you like?
Me: Yeah, I am bitchier to the ones I don't like.
B: Yup. Unfortunately, bitchiness works with us.
Me: See, I've been thinking for awhile that my problem with dating was that I'm not a big enough bitch, but when I shared this thought with my parents, my Dad said "Trust me, you are bitchy enough as you are."

(Hmmm, maybe it's time for a dating experiment? OPERATION BITCH. Right in time for Valentine's Day!)

What becomes of the broken hearted?

It's weird what ends up getting to you when you're recovering from a broken heart. I bought new underwear, something that is always very exciting for me. For as long as I can remember I have tried to match my underwear to the clothes I wear, sometimes (ok, almost always) changing my underwear when I change my outfit, so new unders are new matching opportunities! Silly, yes, but for some reason I love it. It makes me feel like I've got a secret when I am walking around going about my business. I am not very good at secrets, I usually can't process things unless I say them out loud to another person, so maybe I just find it comforting that as I grocery shop, or buy a coffee, or study somewhere, I have my own little secret. Although maybe that's complete bullshit, cause I also like to show everyone my matches when they're done especially well. But only to friends, close acquaintances, or - if I am extremely inebriated - random people, so I guess (hopefully) other shoppers in the grocery store wouldn't know about my secret matching. Anyway, I digress. Back to my broken heart...I recently bought new unders, as stated previously, and all I can think about is wanting T.C. to see them. He would love them. There was a time when I would have taken a photo and sent it to him, and he would have said wonderful things that made my insides go gooey, but I can't do that anymore. Sad face. For me more than anything else the hardest part of a break up is stumbling on those little moments throughout the day that you want to share with the other person and then realizing you can't do it anymore. And so now something that used to be a purely delightful experience is tinged with a bit of sadness. Not enough sadness to ruin my day, or make me cry, or anything excessive like that, just enough sadness for me to feel like I am missing something that cannot be replaced. I guess suturing up a broken heart has to be done in baby steps, and I should celebrate how far I've come rather than dwell on the things that still get to me, but that seems a boringly mature route to take! Sometimes it feels good (pathetic, but good) to wallow in it for awhile.

Dating is like a bad haircut

It's something that you invest in, that you carry with you, and that takes a long time to get over. Am I talking about a relationship, or a bad haircut? See, that's the problem, it could be either! This may be more relate-able for females than males, but if you've ever experienced a really bad hair cut you know how much it can ruin your day, and many days after until you either intellectualize the bad hair cut and decide not to be affected by it, or until you get a better hair cut. But what if the next hair cut is bad too? It becomes a terrible cycle of waiting for the hair to grow out enough that it can be salvaged, and it's often a very long and demoralizing process.
The first few bad cuts you think, "maybe I just need to find a different stylist", or "maybe I didn't properly communicate what I was looking for and it will be better next time", but at some point you begin feeling like there isn't a person in the world who can fix what's broken (your hair).
Dating is very much the same. A few bad experiences build on each other until you start feeling like there isn't a person in the world who is right for you. I recently went nine months without a hair cut (avoidance much?) because I just didn't feel like paying $40 for someone to make me look and feel terrible. It got to the point though that I had to just take a leap of faith, try someone new, and hope for the best, because my hair really was in a tragically mangy state. I would say I am at pretty much the same place emotionally about dating as I was about getting a hair cut. I don't want to go through it all again! But, after taking that little leap of faith and putting my damaged, feral locks into the hands of yet another "professional", I finally got a decent hair cut! And oh, the pure joy and relief I experienced! I know I shouldn't get this worked up about something as silly as hair, (it is the frame of the face you know...and according to some people that's all I've got going for me) but allow me some girlish follies, will you? The liberation I felt after finally getting a hair cut that didn't make me go straight home and cry got me thinking about relationships. Maybe it takes a few really bad ones before you can truly appreciate the good. Maybe it just takes the right person to listen to what you want and to care enough to try and give it to you. Maybe you have to take a leap of faith with each new person and hope for the best. Or maybe love is nothing like hair and I should just be happy that I don't look like an Edward Scissorhands experiment gone wrong anymore.

It's never good to have a friend who works as a "match maker"

So, last night was Saturday night, and I was at home in my pj's enjoying some MAD LIBS with a few friends when I got a text message from another friend who is employed as a match maker informing me she was out drinking and giving out my number to guys who were "totally my type". Oh dear, I knew no good could come from this. I could just picture the scenario in my head...really drunk girl to random guy number 1: "Are you single, cause I have this friend who's really hot (well, she has a really pretty face...) and she would be totally into you. You should call her, I am a professional and I sense a really strong connection between you two," then repeat with every other random guy she came across in the bar. It is then I realized my life is out of control, because even when I forgo the bustling nightlife scene there are still 5 randoms at the end of the night with my number in their phones. Sigh. Being 26 and single is sooooo interesting sometimes.

This is what "totally my type" looks like. Hot.