I wish you would...

Here it is, the end of the year; a wonderful (perhaps miserable?) time to reflect on the past year and decide what to attempt to leave behind, and what to take with me into the new year. There is something so appealing about the idea of leaving everything behind and having a new start, like a snake growing a new skin to live in and just shedding the previous one like it ain't no thang. So, what would I like to leave in 2010, and what lessons do I want to bring with me into 2011? Tough question. Maybe I should start by saying what I have learned this past year. Quite a lot actually. I learned there are some people who no matter what is going on in your life find a way to make whatever is going on in their life - however trivial it may be - seem like it is the ultimate crisis...every time you talk to them. I learned there are some people who are only your friend when they stand to gain something from the friendship. I learned to be grateful that I didn't end up with my first love. I learned some things I didn't like about myself, I did some things I didn't ever think I would do. I learned to appreciate some of my friends more, and realized the reason I had grown apart from some friends. I spent all semester caring for people in crisis, to the point that I became desensitized to their crises, then I was forced to be a patient myself and got my compassion back. I learned some wounds are fresher than I expected them to be, still open and prone to hurt. I wonder how long it will take them to heal? I gained confidence in my abilities as a student and a nurse. And you know that saying, "nice guys finish last"? I think sometimes it also applies to people who work hard, or people who try to be moral, or people who put being a good friend above personal gain. That was a sad lesson.

So, the real question after all this learning, who would I like to be in 2011? I would like to be more confident. I would like to value myself more. I would like to be more independent. I would like to maintain my compassion. I would like to let things roll off my back more, not be so hurt by the things people do and say. I would like to feel that I am enjoying my life instead of getting through it. I would love to be financially independent. I would like to let old hurts go, and make room in my heart/life for goodness. I want to not settle for something just because it's all there is. I would like to be more focused and determined about my fitness (that's a totally original wish for the new year, huh?). I want to keep trying to be the best person I can, even if sometimes it feels like those who are less concerned with doing right reap greater benefits. Most of all I hope to make time for self-reflection in the year to come so that I can keep attempting to grow, learn, and always be working towards becoming a better version of myself. I have learned there is no such thing as a new start, because we carry all our experiences with us, so instead of shedding my skin I hope I can grow into it and find beauty instead of scales.